Breaking up is hard to do but not as hard as loving you!

The Top Six Worst Places to Break Up with Your Man (who loved you and devoted his life to your Relationship, you ungrateful bitch.)

Breaking up is hard to do.  That’s how the saying goes anyway.  It’s a subject to which numerous song writers, sexperts, and teenagers have dedicated their lives.  This is why I think it’s about time there was a guide to follow so that your next breakup doesn’t turn out as nightmarish as it might’ve had you been left to your own devices.

First, let’s get a few things straight.  Breakups are difficult for everyone involved, but they are infinitely harder for the breaker than the breakee.  The questions of how to do it, what to say, when, and most importantly where it goes down are all left to the person doing the breaking up.  The other person just has to sit there listening and deciding how much to cry.  My second point is that breakups are substantially harder when you are a girl doing the soul-crushing.  Women are used to being “put in their place” so most of us know how to take breakups in stride.  Men, on the other hand, almost always take it personally; their instincts tell them we are saying they can’t provide for us and their penis is too small (though occasionally these subjects do creep into the actual breakup argument).  We women also have to constantly think about ways to keep from being brutally stabbed, strangled, and/or smothered.  Or even shot (if you are with the kind of man who is passionate about the second amendment).  Choice of setting can be everything in these desperate times, and can be the difference between a treatable black eye and a not-as-treatable female circumcision, so pay close attention to my tutorial.

The Internet/Text Message

In all honesty, technology is not the worst technique to use in a breakup.  You can be sure you’re saying exactly what you mean and you can take hours to write it all down if you want.  And of course, it leaves a certain amount of distance between your frail body and his brass knuckles. 

But there are definitely ways that technology should not be used.  It’s probably a bad idea to beat the high score on his favorite classic arcade game and make the initials BYE—although it is concise.  But it is also not very sensitive and will ruin forever something that could have given him solace in this difficult time.  Also, if you’ve been desperate to lose your dude, and he sends you a text or Facebook message asking why you’ve been so “distant” lately, don’t take that as a cue to disappear for three weeks.  Show a little respect.  At the very least send him a detailed reply with a clear thesis statement and three supporting paragraphs saying why you can no longer be together.  Every relationship, no matter how insignificant, at least deserves an essay of high school freshman caliber.

His Car

Most men take pride in their car, no matter how shitty it is.  As someone who is apparently only capable of dating men who drive Dodge Neons (the color varies), I can speak to this fact.  So breaking up with them in their car is actually equivalent to kicking them in the groin.  “But I don’t care if this hurts them,” you might argue.  “They kind of deserve it.”  That’s all well and good, but in this case you’re going to have to think from a different point of view.  Do you need them to drive you home after you’re finished stomping on their balls like they’re grapes you want to make wine out of?  Yes?  Do you have money for a cab?  No?  Then you probably shouldn’t say anything that is going to cause him to take both of your lives by smashing into a brick wall or plummeting off a bridge and into the cold dark water below.  Which brings me to…

In or Around Water

As most women know, drowning is the easiest way to be killed by a man.  I don’t know why you would end a relationship while relaxing in a bubble bath or hot tub, but if you were considering it before now, don’t do it.  All it takes is him deciding to hold you under for a minute or so and it’s all over.  He could end it even quicker if you leave your hair dryer plugged into the wall and within reach of the bathtub. 

Finally, when in the bath or ocean or above ground pool, you are either wearing few clothes or none at all.  Why give him an excuse to have one last go on your irresistible bod?  In my experience, the best way to avoid being raped is to wear as many clothes as possible.  Difficult clasps, zippers, and strong fabric are also preferable because men often become bored or frustrated when a task is not easy enough to complete in a timely manner.  There’s an old saying, “When water isn’t breeding mosquitoes, it’s breeding humans.”  So take your birth control pill and stay away from Jacuzzis, no matter how fun they are.

Anything Involving an Airport or Vacation

So your man is really starting to irritate the hell out of you lately.  Who knows what it is—maybe he drinks too much or sits on his ass all the time or simply isn’t John Cusack.  The point is you want to get rid of him.  The problem?  You are going on vacation in a few weeks and need a ride to the airport and/or a companion for said already-paid-for all-inclusive vacay.  As you discovered the last time you were single, cabs are expensive, public transportation is not a viable option for an upscale looking woman like yourself, and dining in fancy restaurants alone makes you very uncomfortable.  The best thing, you figure, is to hold out until all the airport stuff is out of the way and you no longer need him, right?  Wrong.  One of four things can happen: 

1. You’re on your way to the airport and have a huge fight.  He crashes and you die. 

2. You have a huge fight on the plane, the pilot crashes, and everyone on the plane dies (or the plane doesn’t crash but you have a long uncomfortable flight sitting next to someone you desperately hate). 

3. You have a huge fight while on vacation about how much sex you’re not having, he kills you, and you die. 

4. While on vacation you rediscover the person you first fell in love with, have an amazing time, but then go back to the real world and realize it was the vacation goggles, he still sucks, and you kill yourself. 

Any of those scenarios sound good to you?  Just go ahead and take care of business now, before it’s too late.

His Mother’s Funeral

This one kind of speaks for itself.  There’s a two week grieving policy that should always be respected, even if he hated his mother or she hated you.  No one will blame you for silently cursing her corpse, but at least do it while wearing black and holding her son’s hand.  And who knows, he may have some cute cousins.

A Place that was “Special”

As all women know, men tend to get pretty sentimental and overemotional when it comes to relationships.  They remember every date and every kiss, the place you first told them you loved them, and the fast food restaurant where you said you found his family annoying.  God forbid you forget a birthday or anniversary because your man will never let you live it down.  This is why you should do your very best to avoid any of these places when choosing a breakup location.  The last thing you want is more guilt to be heaped upon the already steaming pile.  Maybe try out that new italian place you've been hearing great things about.  You'll avoid sentimentality, plus carbo-loading doesn't just help before a race-- it soothes the aching soul.  Besides, there is always that slim chance he will attempt to chase you down with an ax the following day in which case carbo-loading will have been completely appropriate.

And there you have it.  Break those hearts gently, ladies. 

Comments

[Froeschner]

I'm offended! But really, we do get emotional about break-ups. I'm not sure if we all become ax-wielding psychos... but then again maybe I'm in the minority. =P

[Joey_Vee]

What I like to do is wait until Christmas and then ask her to come pick out a nice evergreen deep within the forest where no one can hear those pesky screams. I will even go so far as to have her carry my axe so I'm not too winded when we finally get to the pre-dug burial plot.

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